connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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