she was so not down for the gang bang
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
