Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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