I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
