Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
