Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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