my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
tell me about the eggs
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
