she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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