I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
