Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
