I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You can't just leave with hair like that
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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