Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
