Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
