dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
