I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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