Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
