Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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