Well apparently he's into motor boating.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
