A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
