I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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