Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
