I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
