In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
