I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
