I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
