I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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