My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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