We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
