If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
