someone threw a dead crab at me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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