Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
