Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
