I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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