If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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