My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
