so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
