i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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