I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
