Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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