Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
