sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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