Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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