I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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