i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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