Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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