So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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