i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
