i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
