I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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