Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
