I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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