Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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