how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
