I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
