If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
