Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
