In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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